How to: make love go the distance
I’ll start with this: Younger me was supremely underqualified to give relationship advice.
Being in my early twenties meant I was in the prime age bracket for emotional unavailability, ghosting and other fuckery. My early adult life made me an expert on unrequited love; after three failed, bruising situationships, I was convinced that my standards needed to be on the floor in order to be met.
Then, I met Keean. Keean is the picture definition of a cisgender straight man if it were written by the female gaze. He’s a devoted feminist, emotionally intelligent, undeniably charming, and (in my humble opinion) strikingly handsome. We admired each other throughout our undergraduate degrees from afar, only working up the nerve to talk when we each wanted to attend the other’s senior gala. We exchanged tickets, matched dresses to ties, and coyly flirted before what would be our big finale. Then Covid arrived, cockblocking our not-so-innocuous intentions.
To my surprise, Keean kept in touch with me, even after I moved back in with my parents and later, across the country from him. He describes this phase simply: “Talking to you always made me happy, regardless of where things were going”. While I was stumbling through my first steps in a new city, I had a long-distance crush who was steadfast and sure about me.
We called, FaceTimed and texted for over a year. We agreed that our feelings “weren’t going to end in a relationship”, swore off flirting with one another, stopped talking, and started talking again three weeks later. We were unable to help ourselves. Yet when friends insisted I liked him, I shrugged it off.
“So what?” I would retort.
“I’m not moving to Ottawa, and I am definitely not doing long-distance.”
I called him one night after getting back from a solo road trip; the details were too juicy to send over text, I rationalized. After catching him up on my recent adventure, we toyed with the idea of finally visiting each other in person. The way I saw it, this was a guaranteed two weeks of getting laid, and after unsuccessfully floundering through the Vancouver dating scene, I deserved a sexcation.
I sent him a screenshot of my booked tickets, telling myself that this would in fact be our big finale. In hindsight, my obliviousness is laughable. What we really needed was a push in the direction of a relationship. Once we realized we’d already built a solid foundation of friendship and communication, being in a long-distance relationship became easy. We started dating three weeks later, and have been falling for each other since.
Keean and I started dating with no plans to move to each other’s respective cities; since then, Keean almost moved to Vancouver, I almost moved to Ottawa, we both changed our career and education trajectories and now I’m a 21.5-hour flight away from him. Neither of us would have expected this much change in our lives when we started dating, but love got us here anyway.
The vast majority of people we’ve told about our dynamic have responded, “I could never do long-distance”. I get where they’re coming from. Not knowing when you’ll see your person again is scary enough to make you disengage from the idea entirely. Still, I’m not convinced that long-distance is a futile endeavour. Call me naive, but I believe that if you have a healthy dynamic, care for one another, make each other happy, and communicate well, the other details can work themselves out in due time.
Of course, I know that’s a simplified justification, which is why I created a guide below on how to make love go the distance. These are the insights I’ve gathered based on my own lived experience, so take from it what resonates with you.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE GO THE DISTANCE:
If you are going to go the distance, do it with someone whose life vision, values and interests align with yours. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Long distance is a means to an end. You and your partner should be firmly interested, in moving to the same place at some point.
Strong communication is key to growing closer and easing relationship anxieties. The right amount of communication is going to look different for everyone, but daily or near-daily quality time goes a long way in making your partner feel closer than they may be geographically.
If something is bothering you, address it as soon as possible. Working through small problems together builds trust and makes good practice for working through larger issues.
The initial post-visit withdrawal is the time when being apart aches the most. But, you can get through it, by letting yourself feel, caring for yourself the way your partner would, and settling back into familiar routines.
Try to always have your next visit (or two) planned. Countdowns give long-distance relationships a sense of security and something to be excited about.
When it comes to visits, go back and forth, or meet in the middle; otherwise, effort will start to feel uneven, which is cause for resentment.
Romance is easy to keep alive, so long as you’re willing to invest thought into it. Send them love letters. Pay for their coffee. Curate a playlist for them. The possibilities are endless.
Long-distance and sex can be an awkward pairing, but it doesn’t have to be if you reframe it as an extended form of foreplay. Start a list of things you want to do to each other, have FaceTime sex, use partner-controlled sex toys. It may unlock ideas you otherwise would never have considered.
Deep breathing together and an ‘us vs. the problem’ approach can get you through just about anything, so long as you bring your problem-solving brain and unconditionally loving heart to the issue at hand.
Reuniting does not have to play out like a scene from the movies. It can feel nerve-wracking and unfamiliar and awkward. It’s okay. You’ll pick back up where you left off sooner than you think.
Assuming the worst of someone causes us to get defensive, antagonize them, and react out of anger; three things that can prolong and worsen fights. If you aren’t certain of your partner’s intentions, ask what they are.
During fights or big changes, get a trusted outsider’s perspective. Therapy, alone or coupled, is nothing to feel ashamed of. It can help you see situations clearly, prepare you for daunting adjustments, and above all, it’s an act of demonstrated dedication to your partner.
Long-distance does not mean you have to stop going on dates; it just means you have to get creative with planning them. Some ideas to get you started: share a Netflix series, cook the same dinner recipe together, or run a two-person book club.
Ethical non-monogamy and/or polyamory are options that can be explored during periods of distance; however, they are options that require open and honest communication, clear boundaries, and increased tolerance for jealousy. Reading books about it together, posing hypothetical scenarios to one another, and leaving room for change in your negotiations can make these structures more approachable.
Long-distance can leave some rules up for interpretation, since you may not always be able to ask your partner questions immediately. Are there unique boundaries that need to be set? New definitions of cheating? Hone in on those, and have clear definitions of the parameters to stick to within your relationship.
In the span of a lifetime, one/two/a few years apart is not that long. Reminding yourself of this fact, and of the future milestones you have to look forward to, can carry you through lonely periods.
Stop obsessing over whether your relationship is “worth it” or whether your partner is “the one”; they might be, or they might be a learning experience that forms part of your journey. Instead, ask yourself “Am I happy to choose this person today?” and if the answer is yes, carry on.
Long distance, like any relationship, is a two-way street. You deserve to receive back all the effort you’re putting in.
You are not “needy”. Everyone has things they need in a relationship. Either your partner will be able to meet your needs, or they won’t. If they cannot or will not, you always have the power to decide whether it’s a deal breaker.
Long distance may not be the path of least resistance, but it is worth it for the right person. As a formerly emotionally unavailable early twenty-something now in love, I would know.
