How to: feel comfortable buying sex toys
Ever felt awkward in a sex shop?
I know I have.
I remember clearly my first visit. A friend and I talked about how we had newly discovered self-pleasure and agreed to go as each other’s moral support after dinner.
We walked into a stag shop, fluorescent lights glaring overhead, ball gags and ten-inch dildos staring us in the face. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be in there, and awkwardly stared at the floor.
“Hi! What can I help you find?” asked the cheery sales associate.
A way out of this place, I thought.
“Uh, I’m not sure. Something to use on myself, but I don’t know what exactly. This is my first time.”
She guided me towards a section designated for clear beginners like me.
“Here, this is a bullet vibrator. It just needs one battery to run, and it’s only $12. It’s a great one to start with.”
She placed it in my hand. I watched, dumbfounded, as a buzzing lipstick tube bounced around in my palm.
“Are you sure this won’t hurt?” I asked. “This seems really intense.”
“It won’t be as intense when you use it.”
I took a deep breath, and brought my tiny purple lipstick tube to the counter, making sure not to look at anything or anyone else. The sales associate tossed a free battery inside, and flashed me a knowing smile.
“Trust me.”
I gave her a weak grin and left. My friend and I giggled outside the store, feeling sheepish and giddy about this newfound woman territory we had just entered. We showed off the colours of our buzzing lipstick tubes to one another, and exclaimed, “Let me know if it works!” as we headed home.
—
To quote Florence Given: “Not to be dramatic, but my first vibrator changed my mother fucking life”.
It’s been a few years since I placed my trust in that sex shop sales associate, and I have to agree. That visit started me on a trajectory of taking pleasure into my own hands and valuing my desires as equally important as the people I explored intimacy with. I cannot overemphasise how empowering it feels to take control of your own body and learn its ins and outs.
However, not all sex shops are created equal.
My most uncomfortable experience happened last summer. The store I visited reeked of cigarette smoke, held every item behind glass cabinets, and was filled with pictures of women in compromising positions. Nearby, a curtained-off section read “Pay 10 tokens to see the back room”. It made me immensely uncomfortable, and I left the same minute I walked in.
That experience made me reevaluate what I find important when shopping for pleasure products. My now non-negotiables are:
The store must feel welcoming and safe.
There has to be reliable information available. The section for books and pamphlets is just as important as the sexy ones.
It must be 2SLGBTQQIA+ friendly. If they carry queer-affirming products, I know I’m in good hands.
I need to know that the products I’m buying are body-safe. I don’t want to be worrying about an allergic reaction interrupting my business.
Discreet shipping is a must. I may be sex-positive, but I still don’t need my roommates to know what I’m buying.
Bonus points go to any business that’s prioritizing accessible sex education, giving back to the community, and implementing sustainability initiatives.
Thankfully, I’ve put together a list of places that fill each of those criteria. I’ll tell you what I love about each of them below. And as a bonus, I’ll make a recommendation on one item you might like to try from each.
Stores: Online
Why You’ll Love Them: Venus Envy is education-oriented, describing itself as both a sex shop and bookstore. They have an entire blog dedicated to free, accessible sex education, with articles on topics like “Navigating sex on antidepressants” and “How to talk about masturbation with a partner”. They are run with feminist, anti-racist, and queer + trans-positive values, and even feature a “pay-it-forward” program for binders and gaffs.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The Sleek Pillow Talk Sassy, $80 CAD. With a long handle and curved head, this one is able to reach all the right internal spots. It has a range of rumbly vibration settings that are easy to cycle through while being used.
Stores: Toronto
Why You’ll Love Them: Founder Veronica Kazoleas has been researching women’s sexual fantasies for twenty years- and she’s become an expert in pleasure products along the way. The Nookie seeks to provide people with the knowledge, tools, and confidence necessary to explore their sexuality, ranging from recommending vibrators to assisting couples in defining sex-free intimacy.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The body-safe Pyrex Icicles No.66 Glass Plug in Black, $30 CAD. Glass toys may seem a little scary, but if cared for well, can last a lifetime. It’s waterproof, easily cleanable and great for hot or cold temperature play.
Stores: Toronto
Why You’ll Love Them: As a democratic, ethical and anti-capitalist co-operative, Come As You Are focuses on stocking low-priced, quality products without profiting off of your pleasure. Their shop “reflects diverse genders, orientations, sexualities, and life experiences”, and features incredible resources throughout their “Sex Information” blog, book section, and referral knowledge. They also explicitly stated the location of their store’s wheelchair-accessible washroom, a piece of information that all stores should publicize.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The ribbed texture Screaming O Jackits Stroker, $12 CAD. This toy can be used for handheld pleasure or to rub up against, which makes it a great bang for your buck (literally).
Stores: Regina
Why You’ll Love Them: If you’re looking for a place that won’t yuck your yums, Industrial Luv is it. Women-owned, sex-positive, and 2SLGBTQQIA+ supportive, this store brings over 50 years of experience in the sex industry. They have a wide selection, but can also do custom orders if you don’t see what you’re looking for.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: This travel-friendly Gaia Eco Biodegradable Bullet Vibe, $19.95 CAD. Quiet, powerful, waterproof, and compatible with any lubricant, this is a great starter toy for vulva owners. Its starch-based bioplastic material also makes it the world’s first biodegradable and recyclable vibrator, which is a win-win for you and Mother Nature.
Stores: Calgary
Why You’ll Love Them: Unlike many conventional stores, Sensuale goes without gendered packaging and labels, enabling you to find a wider variety of toys that work for your pleasure. Their expert sex educator team ensures that every item they carry is body-safe, and as a member of the Ecopackaging Alliance, they’ve adopted packaging that biodegrades within 180 days. They also do something radical called “compassionate pricing”; meaning they can meet with you personally to discuss your device and budget needs to help you find a toy that fits.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The versatile Be Bold Hollow Strapon Set with 8” Dildo, $110 CAD. Its simple and innovative design makes it suitable for all genders, and with no buckles or straps to worry about, it’s easy to wear too.
Stores: Vancouver, Victoria
Why You’ll Love Them: Intamo values inclusive sex education for all humans; a portion of every sale it makes goes towards providing free local, inclusive sex education. They share a list of sexual health clinics and other helpful resources on their website. Their store also uniquely features its own plant-based and cruelty-free lubricant and personal care line.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The Lovely Day Massage Candle, $45 CAD. The wax burns long (30-40 hours) and low (using skin-safe soy wax), leaving you feeling smooth and smelling delicious. Plus, its pour spout means you won’t have to worry about dealing with a hot (wax) mess afterwards.
Stores: Vancouver
Why You’ll Love Them: Having changed the culture around pleasure since 1995, this store is a veteran in the area of advocating for women’s (and all genders’) sexuality. They believe in tailoring their shopping experiences to each customer, exploring sexual expression beyond what’s seen in popular media, and above all, replacing shame with joy. Their website also features a full blog dedicated to providing tutorials, making them very learner-friendly.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The Bluetooth-compatible We Vibe Moxie, $140 CAD. This one is hands-free, held in place by a magnetic clip- making on-the-go use possible (just don’t offend any service industry workers with it). Those in long-distance relationships will appreciate sending good vibe(...bration)s with its accompaniment, the We Connect app.
Stores: Online
Why You’ll Love Them: Spectrum Boutique speaks transparently about sex, health and relationships to affirm all identities, curiosities and experience levels. They don’t gender their products or tell folks how they’re “supposed” to be used because they believe that everything in their store can be used by anybody. They have both a journal and a forum online and invite their community to join in on the conversation.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The packs-a-punch Pillow Talk Cheeky Silicone Rechargeable Massager, $69 CAD. As a vibrator massaging wand, this toy is great when used on all kinds of erogenous zones as a warm-up, or as the main act indirectly or directly against the clit. Its textured handle provides extra grip for yourself or a partner to apply pressure, and it’s splashproof, making it compatible with any water-based lube.
Stores: Online
Why You’ll Love Them: Enby is not just inclusive of the queer community- it’s built for it, especially gender non-conforming, trans and nonbinary people. The store carries plenty of products from Queer and Trans-owned businesses and artists, with a full section of their shop dedicated to ‘affirmation’. They are also committed to social and environmental good; each purchase funds renewable energy and forest conservation projects, and 2% of their profits go towards organizations supporting Queer and Trans People of Color.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The multi-use Fantasy Ultimate Pleasure Dual Oral Sex Stimulator and G-Spot Vibrator, $145 CAD. The motorized tongue simulates oral sex, the handle vibrates and hits the g-spot/prostate, and the pump can suction to increase blood flow and intensity. It may be expensive, but it’s also one of the most versatile toys out there- each sensation can be used together or apart on any erogenous zone you please.
Stores: Online
Why You’ll Love Them: Unbound says they make the most beautiful, safest sex toys in the business- a big claim, but one that’s backed with lab testing and factory inspections. They’re a small team of loud activists who have done some pretty cool things, like sending vibrators to members of Congress in support of reproductive health. They also publish an online magazine that’s both educational and entertaining.
One ~Fun~ Item I Recommend: The compact Puff, $48 USD. This toy simulates oral sex with five different suction intensity levels. It's waterproof, travel-sized and easy to use- great for delivering exactly what your clit needs.
—
I hope this list was as helpful to you as the sales associate was to me when she put that first buzzing lipstick tube in my hand. Wishing you a safe and fun pleasure journey ahead. ;)
